restless. and need rest.

[I’m not even going to spell check this. apologies for any glaring errors. hopefully, you’ll understand.]

when you’re this lucky of a kid, you can’t complain about a thing. so this is not me complaining. this is me simply stating where I’m at and how I feel. the room – another room – is small with no AC. and it’s muggy here. there was supposed to be a bathroom but there’s no bathroom. I stood there for 5 minutes wondering if it was even worth opening my bag, as I leave tomorrow night. someone asked me how long I’d been gone for this time and I had to count twice – almost 5 months. 5 months of new and beautiful and sometimes beautiful places. but they’re still new – no matter where you go. I could repack this bag with my eyes closed, and they almost are. I’m exhausted and it goes beyond all of the wine that’s been had this past month. it’s another bus and another boat, this flight and that airport. check in and check out. George Clooney made it look sexy, but it’s anything but. sometimes my bank account is in the black, at one point even had 4 digits. and sometimes it’s in the red. every ATM withdrawal is met with a moment’s hesitation when you click ‘okay’ on the outrageous fee they charge you for their services, then an exhale once you hear that little motor spinning – counting out your few pennies. I love snacks – I love them. a lot. and when I find a good snack, then I’m there every day. but I started snacking because I didn’t have a lot of money. you simply get used to being hungry. and you simply get used to being tired. I suppose this is one of the reasons that when I left places like Valparaiso and Buenos Aires, I got a bit emotional. there, I got to unpack for a few weeks, invest in people. find snacks and the best quiet cafe. it’s not the travel that wears me out but the traveling. I can fill out a hotel room form with my eyes closed. I can have the same conversation with the same person and not even realize it. the romanticism of the road has been romanticized and who would ever shatter that romance? I’m just tired. I miss my family. my friends. my language. a neighborhood I already know. people who don’t ask the same questions. cab drivers that take me where I want to go, charge me what I know is fare, in a currency I understand. I want wifi and hot water. I’d like to wear something other than this few clothes I’ve had for so long. I want a coffee that tastes like coffee. and I’m tired of depending on Pringle’s to get me through long days. I want, I want, I want – very American of me.

but I’m ready to come back to America. I’m ready to come back home.

I’m ready to come back home so I can get bored of everything working, bored of being understood, bored of walking around in a neighborhood I already know so I don’t pull out the camera, bored of not finding difficulty in conversation.

I’m ready to come back home so I can be bored with it all.

I’m ready to come back home so I can start traveling again.

right after I wrote this, a pal emailed me about seeing Bob Schneider playing at SXSW. I threw him on as I went to sleep and this track came on – not only one of my favorites, but summed up my mood perfectly; so I hit ‘repeat’ and fell asleep to it.

‘Long Way To Get’

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I’ve got a mountain to climb before I get over this hill
I’ve got the world to unwind before I ever sit still
I’ve got a hard row to hoe before my seed is sown
I’ve got a long way to get before I get back home

I’ve got so much to put down before that’s all she wrote
I’ve got so much to give for my heart ain’t so broke
I’ve got to find myself where I can never be alone
I’ve got a long way to get before I get back home

There’s an ocean of reason that I cannot explain
There’s the weight of the world like a ball and a chain
There’s a black hole inside that I fill up with stones
I’ve got a long way to get before I get back home
I’ve got a long way to get before I get back home

There’s a man I’ve never met before who looks a lot like me
There’s a little place called heaven that I’ll probably never see
There’s a thing called peace of mind that I have never known
I’ve got a long way to get before I get back home
I’ve got a long way to get before I get back home
I’ve got a long way to get before I get back home

[end]